I’ve spent more than a few hours playing freerolls on PokerStars and writing about them in Chasing Chris Ferguson. I can’t help but marvel at the fact that this is ACTUALLY a lot of fun. I think I ran out of steam with playing about three years ago but I just failed to stop and make a change. It’s hard to tell where that line is in a lot of things in life, not just in poker. We manage to drift into a rut and just stay there, we grumble-mumble about the dark side of things without ever making a move to figure out how to approach it in a different light, and consequently become jaded and look for a repeat of dismal failures to happen instead of stopping our lemming approach to the cliff of failure.

I read this somewhere years ago, “The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!” and ain’t that the truth.

I feel that everyone approaches poker with a different expectation and to try to lump all of that into one neat, little bundle of thought is impossible. In all of the pages in Tango – include Poker Tales in that – I’ve painted a picture of the different faces and stages where the drama is played out. To say that watching and interacting with it hasn’t hardened my heart and soul in more ways than one, would be an outright lie. I’ve sat many a day (after leaving a game with my brains beat out and my pocket ripped off leaving a gaping hole in my ego and lifestyle), pondering WTF poker was all about, and how to beat it, and not beat myself at the same time. At this moment, I still don’t have any answers.

I believe that most of the full-time, poker playing population is emotionally co-dependent (just like people in relationships with alcoholics, etc.) and need the highs and lows of emotional disturbance displayed by other poker players to get up their daily fix. The feeding frenzy I’ve often talked about at the table isn’t simply about someone bleeding chips. Poker is much more complex and involved than the simple picture of people gathering to try to win a pot.

As I’ve tried to figure myself in the picture, I look for answers and separation. Separation because I don’t want to come away from my poker experiences feeling ugly about them, or believing that A-A is always going to be beaten by one caller, or that I don’t understand the game, or that I can’t beat the game, and then end up like so many others I’ve witnessed along the poker road, as they lay beaten and broken by themselves.

For some bizarre reason, (I have no answer for this either), I’ve had more fun trying to ‘whup’ my way through a gigantic field of faceless names in cyberspace to win a seat in another field of gigantic faceless names, than I’ve had in years of sitting at a poker table where I had a lot of $$ at stake.

Poker is right where I want it in my life right now. I’m sure it will evolve again. But perhaps it’s not poker that’s evolving at all…it’s just me, putting value where it should be, within myself.