I ponder that question.  Perhaps too often over the last 10 years of my young life I’ve wondered if we are really dead, trying to get to life that should happen somewhere – probably in the ever after.  I’m not a fan of religion as most of society lives it today.  That is a wrong statement because society doesn’t ‘live’ it, most pretend to follow the ethics laid out by religion when they know others are aware or watching. I have long believed in God, not God that standards that you must go to church, and you must obey all the rules set forth or you will burn eternally damned and in hellfire.I tend to stay away from religious discussions because I don’t need or want someone to tell me I have to be saved.  Perhaps none of us can be saved and all of it’s a joke.

My belief in God stems from a natural instinct, a feeling of the spirit, a strengthening of the unity of mind, flesh, and spirit when I do what I know will harm no one, and will build me to a degree that I become more pure and with each level of purity, I then transcend the ever encroaching chains of death on earth.

I have been ill.  Yes, I’m always mentally ill, but this illness is of a physical nature and reaching the young age of 62, I cannot send this off sealed in an envelope like I could when I was 20.  At 20 I knew I would get well.  At 30 I was still invincible.  At 40 I never thought much about dying or how miserable a task it was.  At 45 I started to think about a variety of religions, and had been through the stages of childhood churches where religion was forced down my throat, then reaching the point where I believed there was no God when life beat me to death with tragedy after tragedy, leaving me alone to raise children, and only being able to rely on my own instincts and go with what I thought was best.  I still question myself on if I ever did what was best…for who…and not knowing how to do anything any differently at the time, I went with my first judgment.  There are very few things I regret in my life or would ever go back to change if I could. That aside, I became a student of Wicca.  Yes, you can start screaming now, but I don’t need to explain anything to anyone other than myself at the end of the day.

Wicca is the oldest religion known to mankind.  It’s really not about burning babies in a circle in the forest at midnight on a full moon.  Yes, Wiccans believe in God, and spells (which are actually visualization and everyone should be aware by now of what visualization does for you with all the self help media that’s out there), and harming no one, and leading your life in a sensible manner (because we all know the difference between right and wrong) and if you cheat, you only cheat you.  And you wreak havoc on yourself with karma if you flirt with casting a spell that specifically affects someone, and bad thoughts towards others only manifest and grow into an ugliness that comes back to choke you down.

With the thought of aging and illness come many other thoughts that trigger other thoughts that build into a monumental tidal wave of questions without answers.  Does anyone really have a solution to anything?  No!  Am I looking for answers?  No!  Am I dying?  Probably, it’s a reversible process that starts when we are born but I don’t believe it will happen any time soon.  I strive to be healthy and go back to digging in the yard and walking in the desert with my friend Amy, and being filled with upbeat energy and ready to kick ass and take names.  But as I write this, I also think ahead to the years I have left stepping through this life.  I have listened to  people that ‘ have religion’ talk about how they praise the day the Good Lord will take them and have generally scoffed at the idea that they are preparing themselves for death throughout their whole life so how could they be living.  Yet the more time I spend on earth, the more interaction I have with people of all ages, the more I wonder if life is death.

Is life a fleeting ritual of death as we wait to live?

I believe in reincarnation, not person to dog or butterfly or such things,  but person to person and each plateau of life on earth prepares you for the next level of spiritual elevation.  I would like to believe that returning in another life would not force me to come back to be punished for past lives – another reason I believe it’s best to release all malice and anger and fill your being with as much peace as possible.

Our world has become a dark, chaotic mix of greed, hate, and power struggles.  I stay away from it as much as possible yet it reaches through every barrier I build, like long, clutching tentacles trying to fill my thoughts with blackness with what mankind has created.  That has sent my reasoning along the path of life is death.  We struggle so hard.  For what?  To die?  Is there such a thing as aging gracefully when you are trapped with your thoughts in a failing body and life is moving forward but you aren’t and the world becomes more and more frightening?

In another time and place elders were respected and cared for but death was part of the ritual of living.  I do not look for death but I still feel I live it every day, all I have to do is look around.  Perhaps death isn’t waiting, it’s already here.