I started out in a $2.20 NLH tournament on PokerStars last night.  Go ahead and click the link and sign up if you want, while you’re doing that, I’ll tell you a little story.  It all started with hand #37.  In the BB, I had 10c-3c, no pre-flop raise, and flopped a four flush.  We were at $25-50 blinds.  I checked, the immediate player on my left – robotron714 – bet $200, everyone else folded and I called.  The turn was a 7, I checked, so did he, the river a 7c, giving me a flush, I checked, so did he.  I won the pot.

Turns out he had Ad-Jd.

I could sort through the hand history and copy and paste the chat in here but it would fill 12 pages.  He never shut up.  First he complained about ‘the program’ which is PokerStars software, and how it couldn’t be beat; then he started on me.  He called me a donk; a losing depositing donkazzzes, gotta let the donkazzes suck out, and I responded with ‘go bite the wall, whiner.”

Yes, sin #1 was I should never respond in chat.  But damn it, it’s fun sometimes.

I wasn’t his only focus, but his main focus.  He berated me over and over.  Several other people semi got involved in the chat and then it was the nonstop chat that was too funny not to try and keep up with as the game progressed.  He bragged because he had cashed out twice already and told me I was down 1500 to which I responded that I was actually down 25K.  He made fun of my play and continued to whine.  I told him there was a 10c tournament that was probably more his speed.

*Fan the fire Linda*

He went broke on hand #79…yup, I won it!

But he didn’t leave.  He stayed and railbirded the chat.  At hand #89, as a joke,I typed in the chat ‘I’m playing my dads account. I’m only 9’.

At hand #93, the moderator came to the table, telling everyone to behave.  I got an instant pop up telling me my chat was suspended for 24 hours.  OK.  Not sure what caused that but I’m OK with it.  I kept playing, robotron kept chatting and railbirding.

Then I got an email, my chat was suspended.  OK.  Then I got an email my account was closed and I needed to verify my age, because I said I was 9, etc.  WTF????  My passport was on file in my pc due to Aruba trips, I immediately attached it to the email and returned it with a note explaining that donk-o-rilla-ding-zilla had been shredding me for an hour and my comment was in jest.

When I had 28564 chips, on hand #245 – way into the money – I got the pop-up stating there was an internal error, to contact support referring to a certain #.  I immediately shipped an email to verification and support with the verification information in it.  Don’t worry Linda, you’re fucked.  I had some work to do so I watched my chips bleed off.  I finished in 31st place.

I finished my work and hit the ‘sleep by number bed’ (that’s for you Claudia).

Late this a.m. I faxed a copy of my DL to their security department, along with a lengthy cover page, explaining the situation.  They shipped me back a handy little email telling me my account was reinstated and to ‘enjoy my play’.

Holy fucking ratshit catshit Harry.  I guess I’m supposed to be thankful that they let me have access to my account and funds.  I sent a bitch email in response that perhaps the guy that decided to just close my account might have thought about it for a moment and asked for verification before he closed it, that I have been called everything on their chat and the moderator simply tells people to ‘be nice’, and that I was in the money in the tournament and could have done very well in it.

I got a response that makes me sick.

In essence, PokerStars is the God of internet poker now and what God deems fit for his subjects is what will be.  God always informs you that it is not PokerStars fault.  Of course it isn’t…God doesn’t make mistakes, just us idiots that feed their coffers do.  They told me it was my own fault, I created the problem.

Ok, Kids, did you know it was a crime to say you were 9 and playing poker on the internet?  Do poker players bluff?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Is it a crime to say you play on your dad’s account?  The pros ghost and have multiple accounts but that’s OK because they are a pro. Now and then when they get caught by Joe Blow and it can be proven, they get their hands slapped and are publicly shamed, but otherwise, no one says jack shit about it.

So…I’m supposed to be happy they refunded me the entry fee to the tournament with a lecture?  I am not!  Perhaps they should give it to the crybaby that never got his chat revoked.

Anyone interested in playing Absolute Poker for the PokerWorks Family tournaments from now on?  Let me know please.