I don’t know why. The question keeps running through my head, “What is wrong with you?” The part that should answer, can’t. I don’t know. I’ve sworn more in the last 24 hours than I have in six months. The small things – like a bottle that should easily take its twist off cap in a reverse rotation to reseat the cap, won’t…and I want to go off on a swearing rage over it. Or I touch something and it falls over, another swearing rage.

I thought perhaps it was the fact that I’ve busted out of the last five tournaments I played on the Chasing Chris Ferguson quest, without even a decent showing, and I may not be playing my best game right now, but the whole thing is irritating and it seems to feed fire to everything else. A post will be up there soon about my poker insanity – don’t forget to check it out.

I had very little sleep yesterday and my eyes felt like they had sand glued around the socket but when I took a few moments to relax and try to nap, I couldn’t. Seeing and working on the computer go hand in hand for me. Consequently I was frustrated by the fact that I had a difficult time reading the monitor…love this aging shit. Perhaps part of my anger and frustration was with being tired.

Another horrible wrinkle is the fact that the dumpster enclosure for my RV park is about 15 feet from the coach (and faces it) where the tragedy occurred last week. I let my garbage bags set for three days because i didn’t want to go down to that part of the park. I thought about loading them up and taking them to a dumpster at one of the little shopping malls that adorn the area around where I live. I wish I had. I had to go out yesterday for some food items and loaded up the garbage, drove down to the dumpster, and the coach is still setting there with vivid, orange tape on the windows and doors sealing it off. Everything looks quite normal other than the tape, bikes are setting out by a small storage shed, a park bench sets underneath the fifth wheel tongue, and the thing that really got me is there is a big, pink Easter bunny setting on the park bench (big enough that it would take up two seats in an airplane) as if waiting for a little girl to come out and play with her brothers. I almost burst into tears. So I’m an emotional granny, I can’t help it. I normally take pictures but this is one thing I do NOT want to remember by a photo. And possibly part of my anger is coming from this. Why do people have to kill other people? The desert is such a great place to go kill yourself if you want to kill someone. Just take a long hike out, do it, and there’s no fuss or muss for the rest of the world to clean up. Why take someone with you? Death shouldn’t be a group project. Just take yourself out and leave the innocents alone.

And I missed yesterday’s exercise session of boxing on the Wii, perhaps I was angry because I needed to blow off some energy on something physical. Remedied today.

And I’m scurrying to get my tax information put together and call my tax guy, it’s another little time eating piece of crap that’s going to cost me quite a bit of cash since I’m self employed now and have to pay my own SS. UGH! That may be adding to my stress and anger level.

Anger is a strange emotion for me. I rarely am angry over anything and find most things in life to be laughable rather than fodder for anger. I am also aware that I am capable of moods (where the hell are those mind altering drugs) and depression fits right in there from time to time. I’ve learned to work around me over the years. Sometimes it’s a combination of events that lead to a mood, sometimes it must be something chemical in my system.

The part of my head that should be answering, still isn’t. But at least I have taken a step back and forced my thoughts to settle and relax. Now if I can just beat a damn poker game…