Check out this beauty – courtesy of the Hubble Site. No, it’s not one of the spots I’m going to visit on my road travels but it is a feast for the imagination.

So back to Earth and poker, poker as I know it now, in the universe formed by Bellagio. I went from extreme irritation in one down to almost falling off of my chair laughing in another.

The irritation began when I dealt a $15-30 H came in which one of our dealers was in the 1s. He was steaming and fairly vocal about it – including some mutter/swearing and table thumping/chip stomping motions (this isn’t a first for him on the steamer thing and he’s been ‘talked to’ in the past). Along about somewhere in the middle of my down, he took a beat (although we never saw his hand to know if he took a beat) and made a comment about ‘runner-runner’ or something on that thread that he negatively blasted at the whole table. The 5s reminded him that that was how he’d won a monster pot a little bit ago. He sarcastically informed the 5s that he had lost a rack since then – like it was some outrageous act by the Card Fairy to play a trick on him. The whole table appeared to be fairly tense and on edge and I can’t help but give all of the credit to the 1s. He did a great job.

The 4s was one off the button, and as I dealt his first card, he reached to grab it and, of course, it popped face up. A Queen. He gave me ‘the look’. It wasn’t just ‘the look’. Add some hate, sprinkle it with frustration, and knead in exhaustion and waning chip stacks, and that about sizes up ‘the ugly look’.

I looked at him as I announced the Queen would be the Burn card and said something like, “Please don’t reach for your card when I’m dealing.” I’ll admit that it may not have been the best choice of things I could have said but if he’d kept his hands out of the way, the card would not have exposed.

“So it’s his fault you exposed a card?” shot out of the 1s’s mouth.

Me, “I didn’t say that.”

“You should have just said you were sorry. Right?” as he looked at the 4s. The 4s had found sympathy and managed to intensify ‘the look’ in my direction.

I quietly said to the 1s, “You know better than that,” implying that he should be quiet and just play.

He jumped right back at me, “You should have just said you were sorry. That’s what I would have done.”

Kee-rist! I need this from a dealer? I was almost livid. I replied, “When you deal a game, you deal it the way you want.”

The tensile stress of this game just went to maximum overload.

The 7s had his hands over his cards, concealing them from view. I politely asked him to make sure that he made his cards visible so I wouldn’t pass him in the action. Jim B. was in the 9s and asked if I remembered Barbara Jo, to which I replied, “Of course.”

Jim went on to tell the player next to him that Barbara Jo (lives in another poker universe now), handled that better than any other dealer (that would be a player with concealed cards) and I’m still at a loss as to why the way I handled it wasn’t satisfactory. It works for me.

The 1s had a few more twitches and jerks in his game play. Yes, Jason, you know who you are.

The Shuffle Master decided to do an extreme grinding sound and tried to jump out of its place in the table. It slowed down and stopped, Red light on, and I opened it, pulled out the deck, put the next deck in, it closed and shuffled correctly for about two hands and then went through a repeat of the same seizure.

I called Daniel, the brush for this limit (he’s graduating from Chip Runner to Brush and is in the learning mode), and told him of the problem with the Shuffle Master. He went back to the List and ignored me.

The 1s, right in the middle of a hand, (he was in the hand), dove under the table, shut the machine off, looked back up at the Shuffle Master, turned it on, sat back down, and said to me, “Try it now.”

No way! If he would’ve said people in the room were playing poker, I would have argued with him. Irritation…

I firmly said, “No. I’m going to let them handle it.”

Daniel returned, with another Shuffle Master. Unplug, lift out (I had to do most of the lifting out and the 1s didn’t help me with that), insert new machine, turn it on, and the game was back in progress. I got pushed. *Spit-Sputter-Grumble*

The dealer in front of me went home and I started pushing a new dealer, female, blonde, possibly late 20’s to mid 30’s…hell if I know. I’m so bad with telling people’s ages anymore. I’m sure she is a little stressed with the limits and unfamiliarity with some of the players she’s encountering and she’s trying to overcompensate by ‘knowing everything’. Believe me, it ain’t easy breaking into Bellagio’s Universe unless your attitude is really relaxed and your are completely confident in your own dealing ability. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry for her when I pushed her out of two particular tables.

The first one was a $75-150 Omaha 8 or Better with a Kill. She was having an argument with the 9s when I walked up behind her. She was leaning overly close to him and the manner and tone of her voice implied she was completely right. I sat down. The conversation went on and on between Dave – 8s, the 9s, and the 5s. Apparently she put the Flop in too close to the rack and then put the pot between the Flop and the 5s, hence stacking the pot during the action put her arms in the way and no one could see the Flop. The 9s was trying to help her by telling her where to place the pot/Flop. She argued with him and he wasn’t going for it since he felt he was trying to help her become better at her job.

I announced Time Pot and as I prepared to deal the first hand, “I won’t have my hands in the way, I promise,” finishing with a laugh.

Dave told the table that I was his favorite. The 9s said that since I was Dave’s favorite, every time the 9s won a pot when ‘that’ dealer was dealing, he would look for me and give me her tip. I couldn’t help but smile over that. They were all very good to me.

Paul Darden took the 3s as a play-over and posted in between the Button and Blind. With the Play-over box and everything else going on, I tried to deal him out. The 5s stopped me when the third card hit the table and we just backed them up. I thanked the 5s for not allowing me to make a mistake. He was bubbling over with ‘smile’ and very good to me during this down.

When I left the table, the 9s even threw extra $$ at me. Sometimes a good attitude is the only answer, not that I always have a good attitude but I damn sure keep trying.

Finally, the table where I almost fell out of my chair laughing – $10-20 NL and the only player I knew at the table was Archie Karras – 7s (world’s biggest gambler, long story but most of the poker world knows it). And Archie was giving the dealer I was pushing mega-heat. She was in the middle of finishing the hand and he was glaring and scowling at her. She called the Floor, Wan (brush person for this limit) appeared. The Dealer explained that Archie was out of line with her.

Archie was belching out, “She’s exposing my cards when she deals them!” as his eyes burned holes into the Dealer’s forehead.

The Dealer said something to Wan that I didn’t catch. Archie retorted again, “She’s exposing my cards when she deals them!” almost before the Dealer could finish her statement.

The Dealer again spoke to Wan. Archie glared at the Dealer. Wan was trying to find a solution and the 6s jumped in, “He didn’t do anything. I was watching.”

I’ve never seen the 6s before but he ended up being the reason I laughed all the way through the down. As the Dealer left the box, Archie grumbled, “Take her in the back room and teach her to deal.”

Wan walked around behind Archie and said something to him. Before my butt hit the chair, I loudly announced, “Alright, Kids, seven big ones for Time!”

I’ve weathered my own storms with Archie, back in the Mirage days when he had all those millions that he went off of in a variety of ways, and my intention was to get everyone in this game past the Archie experience and get on with the action.

The 6s jumped right on my statement. “There’s no way you could handle seven big ones in one night.”

I started chuckling as several other players took off on the same thread. He went on, “When’s the last time you had seven big ones in one night?”

I feigned ignorance and dealt. He persisted. I told him I wasn’t telling and he was probably right. “Seven big ones would probably kill me.” *Uproarious laughter*

Except for Archie, of course, and the 5s (the 5s never interacted with anyone during my down). Archie wanted to jump down my throat but his cards were coming in low and everyone at the table was enjoying the show so he couldn’t bark at me.

The 6s: Was receiving a massage as he played, had quad zillion chips in front of him, highly animated, playing a lot of hands and winning them, stocky build, and had a diamond stud in each ear – those studs were bigger than a contact lens. What that amounts to in carats is beyond me. He never slowed down with the beginning conversation. He went on to say that ‘it’ was figured to be about the size of a man’s hat size and his hat size was 8 ½. Nonstop – he went into having a ‘ball reduction’. Stating that his were too big and they got in the way.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Someone asked how you got a ‘ball increase’ and “the hatband equaling ‘it’ size” conversation went on.

The 6s won a huge pot from the 8s – somewhere around 9K. Chips were screaming around the table and the 6s seemed to be stacking most of them as he continuously watched me while he carried on the same thread of conversation. The 8s handled all of it extremely well on the outside (no idea what was going on internally) and he tangoed with the 6s more than once during my down.

The 6s jumped into a new thread, he has a big fishing boat and he’s going to have a poker game on it. Just as he was stating that he had four women on the boat and you should see them fishing, absolutely naked, off the back of the boat, I was asking, “I guess you don’t need a dealer then?”

Someone else was asking what they caught while they were fishing naked. The 6s looked at me and said, “Oh…you can come…lots of times if you show up…”

Umnhhh! We’re back to the thread of seven big ones in one night. I laughed. What the hell else can you do here? It was pretty funny. All the while he’s stacking chips, jamming more at the pot, getting his massage, the headliner in a nine-man show, and he never runs out of steam.

Archie and him went to war in a hand in which Archie ended up going all-in on the Flop by throwing out a stack of 100’s. When the 6s asked how much it was and no one, especially Archie said anything about the amount, I set the deck down and as I capped it with chips from the pot, Archie bellowed, “It’s not over, Honey!”

Trying not to sound exasperated, I replied, “I know. I’m simply capping the deck to count the cash.”

The 8s grabbed the cash and said it was ok, he would count it down. I didn’t argue. The 6s called Archie’s all-in bet. Archie won the hand. Then Archie’s ice face broke and he stacked and counted. He must have said something to the 6s about his giant money run some years ago because the conversation jumped into how that had to be the biggest rush anyone could ever have.

Someone prodded Archie, “You must have done something great with the money…”

No answer. But the answer from all sources is that the only thing he bought with it was a car.

Then somehow, the conversation magically drifted back to women/strippers/hookers and titty bars. The 1s said he was an expert. He’d been in all of them in the U.S. I told him he should write a book about it.

The 8s jumped in and asked about Montana strippers. Someone said they wouldn’t be able to handle all the hair and they didn’t want to tangle with a grizzly bear.

I jumped in, “Hey. Knock that SHIT off! I’m from Montana.”

*total belly laughs*

Someone asked me if I had been a stripper. The 6s told them I was the Madam, that I handled all of the strippers. *more belly laughs*

I got pushed. I stopped behind the 8s and asked him if he was from Montana. He said no but he just wanted to throw that in since he knew I was. Hell, I didn’t even know he saw my nametag. I don’t know who laughed the hardest, them or me. At one point I even stated that I had to stop laughing, dealing was serious business, but it didn’t stop me. I kept laughing.

An hour later I was clocking out of the universe created by Bellagio…still chuckling as I hit the cold night air.