Poker ‘post’ poned for the day.

I’m in the time warp of my thoughts. It’s pretty scary – even for me. No one but me knows how close I am to the edge of losing it, stepping into the zone where there is no reality, no conscious thought; just oblivion to everything that permeates around me and no desire to struggle with the vague shadows that try to remind that I know them. I don’t need a shrink…I could probably mess one of them up if they stepped into my sublime darkness where no glimmer of light dares enter.

I’m at the pinnacle again – where I see the horror of mankind’s darkest deeds; world destruction; loss of hope; children that never have a chance to laugh and enjoy the sunshine; watching people with life long disabilities and physical pain struggle each day just to survive; the forgotten elderly; the blessed few that have everything and think it’s a ‘given’; the Earth burn and change as we destroy it; the way we treat ourselves and the ones we supposedly love; along with a million other things that distort my concept of what we are supposed to be.

I can easily imagine climbing to the top of the highest ridge in Calico Basin and running over the edge, arms spread, with one final scream as I plummet to the bottom – becoming one with the red sandstone as my body splits and my blood is absorbed to become one with the stone. My spirit would drift up, out of the broken remains of the human form, to join the wind as it whistled across the washes and desert, returning as a vaporish mist on a cold morning, riding the tides of change and the seasons of the heart – remembering all that I held dear and releasing everything that created pain.

Perhaps I think too much. At times I step out of the boundaries of the conscious mind…that is where I am now. Soon I will develop another callous or wall that will protect my spirit and I will, once again, be ‘OK’. Right now I am not ok. I’m vulnerable and unable to find a shield.

While this may sound suicidal, it is not. I have to create a world within myself that I can live in – you don’t have to be there – I do. I have to be happy with it and right now it’s very painful. Life is painful – how I deal with it is what makes me what I am. I’ve recently read MissT’s post on Morbidity. I appreciate her thoughts and where she is but that’s not where I am. My struggle is not with death – it is with life.

I have no claim to any thought or emotion – at least a billion other people must have had them before they came to me – but I am the recipient of the flood of awakening, by choice or trial, I am there. I relish the emotion. It shows that I am alive, I am aware, I have the ability to learn, I know the difference, and I have choices. I choose to taste life. I choose to savor and cherish. I choose to begin again, with the fresh breath of anticipation, I can make a difference and be a better person.

So it is written, so it is spoken, so it shall be!