I’ve often wondered how I would handle being skilled in the art of magic or having celestial power. I’m sure God knew what he was doing when he made me mortal. He knew I wouldn’t be able to handle all that power and I might just send the Card Fairy out after a few poker playing dolts. Well damn it, they deserve it.

1) J.J. He’s mentioned a few weeks ago because he’s being the brattiest of the brats and meaner than hell lately. I hit a $30-$60 Holdem game and the 3s is walking. Half way through my down, Mr. Wonderful appears. None other than J.J. himself.

J.J loses a hand. The 4s wins the pot and throws me a $1.

J.J. barks, “That’s just what you deserve.”

The 4s throws me another $1.

J.J. growls, “If I win a pot, I’m going to give you fifty cents.”

Swear to God, I just busted out laughing. He thinks he’s killing me by threatening me with a fifty cent tip, I think he’s ridiculous.

A few minutes later, the action is to the 2s and J.J. throws his hand away. I said, “Hold your hand until he acts, please.”

J.J., “He was reaching.”

Me, “Reaching does not constitute action.”

J.J., “Then tell him to hurry up and not make me wait for him.”

Me, “I will not.”

J.J., “You should tell him to play faster.”

Me, “I should do no such thing. Just act in turn.”

Woops! Guess I just cost myself fifty cents. Come on Card Fairy…

2) $4-$8 Holdem, only two familiar faces in a ten handed game.

The 4s (one of the familiar faces) plays occasionally and is never a big hit in terms of being friendly and getting along with everyone. He’s more prone to cause a problem than he is to help solve one.

The 6s had no idea what it was to him or when it was his turn to act and had to ask “how much?” every time the bet came to him but he wanted to play every hand and he did.

The 8s (one of the familiar faces) has been playing for about two months and he plays every night and likes to sing, chortle, joke, chuckle, gee-haw, and in general have a good time while he drinks and plays poker…this doesn’t make him a bad guy, it’s just that everyone always knows when he’s in the game.

The 10s was a youngster, drunk, belligerent and not having a very good time.

The first hand I dealt, the 6s asked, “How much?” when the action came to him.

Immediately the 4s chimed in, “You can raise it!”

The 10s said, “He’s a retard, how can he not know how much it is?”

I asked both the 4s and the 10s to stop. I went to the 6s and got through the first hand with him asking me, every time, what the bet was to him.

We went to hand #2, same story, the 10s kept mumbling the 6s was a retard. I told the 10s that was enough and it was to stop now. The 4s chimed in again, “You can raise.”

Everytime the 4s and the 10s opened their mouth, the 6s was confused and didn’t know what to do.

I went into a semi-fit. “That’s enough! Stop making comments and let me answer his questions.”

The 4s said, “He played all night last night, there’s no way he doesn’t know what the bet is.”

I went almost ballistic. “I don’t care if he’s played the last six months. When he asks me how much the bet is, I’m going to tell him and you are going to stop.”

Now the 10s got really cute. As soon as the bet came to him, he asked, “How much?”

I told him, he asked again, I told him, he asked again. I said, “You will either stop now and play the game or I’m calling the Floor Person.”

He repeated, “How much is it to me?”

Tang was the Front Brush and I yelled, “Tang! Tang! Get Kamell for me.”

Tang called Kamell over the microphone.

I had dealt the hole cards and had the deck in my hand. I sat and waited.

The 8s pointed to the 10s and said, “He’s ok! He’s been drinking. He’s just having fun. You can deal.”

By now I was wishing I was the Card Fairy…splat, flip, boom, pow!

I said, “NO. We’ll wait.”

Kamell arrived. I told him the 4s kept interrupting with a challenge that the 6s seat could raise, each time the 6s asked me how much the bet was to him. And the 10s kept calling the 6s a retard and I’d asked him to stop and he wouldn’t. And now the 10s refused to do anything other than ask how much it was to him and wouldn’t act on his hand.

The 10s immediately apologized. Kamell told them all that they would behave and play cards. (I say slap them with a little mischevious, devious trick on their cards, Card Fairy!)

The 10s immediately began raising in the blind, telling me “…between you and me, I’m raising every time it comes to me.”

I asked him where he was from and he said, “Not trying to be rude but, none of your fucking business.”

I hid my smile and replied, “Ok.”

He dumped off about $100 right away. The cocktail waitress arrived and asked him if he wanted another ‘makers’. He said, “No, I’m just fucking fine, just like the dealers.”

I started laughing. The 8s started laughing because he thought I was being harsh with the 10s and the 8s was trying to get me to ease up.

The 10s kept talking in my ear, something about he was going to stay and play until he lost $3,000 because he felt bad about the money his mom lost and if he could say ‘that’ word he would.

I asked him why he didn’t just stay and win.

He said they were all a bunch of retards.

I asked, “How could you believe that holding up the game and making comments about people would make the game better?”

The 8s jumped in, trying to look like a good guy, problem solver, “He’s alright, he’s just been drinking.”

I barked, “Stay out of this.”

The 10s told me again that they were all a bunch of retards and kept slamming chips at the pot.

I didn’t mind him calling them ‘all’ retards. I minded two players nit picking and laughing at a new player that’s trying to learn the game.

And check this out, one of the last hands I dealt was raised pre-flop. It ended up being three way action with A-K-J-?-Q on the board. Of course a 10 made a straight. The 5s bet, the 6s called, the 1s raised, the 5s raised, the 6s asked if he could raise and he did, the 1s raised, the 5s and the 6s called.

The 5s and the 1s both turned over a 10 with a big kicker. The 6s turned over Q-9 Off-suit. The 6s put in a raise with third pair, no kicker, on the River.

No, I’m not making fun of him. I’m pointing out the fact that these idiots want to make fun of him and possibly embarrass him into leaving, believing that they are all laughing at him.

Get them Card Fairy, paint their cards into something else at the River. Punish them for being ‘the retards’.