It appeared to be an innocent $8-$16 Holdem Game filled with 10 players…it turned out to be a river filled with Piranha and the stepping-stones were land mines spaced 10 feet apart.

As I stood behind the dealer, waiting for him to finish the hand, it dawned on me he’d burned and turned before the action was complete and now he had to take back the River card and wait for the action to complete. He had no idea what to do next. I helped the dealer wade through the rest of the hand while the 3s informed me that the dealer hadn’t made a mistake.

I stepped around behind the 3s and said, “I believe he burned and turned before the action was complete.”

“Oh…well he could have. He’s made no less than five mistakes since he sat down…”

I sat down and said hello to Dahlia in the 10s. She ignored me. Oh well. We used to go to war with each other at the Mirage as we tried to win each other’s chips. She seldom plays at Bellagio and I hadn’t seen her in quite some time.

Two players left our table. I called the seats open three or four times and sent the Chip Runner twice…Kim, the Front Brush, was too busy to listen to me.

I asked the players to square up the table and share the elbowroom and I got a lecture plus the 5s said I was probably very bossy at home and he sure was glad that he wasn’t one of my kids as loud as I yelled about the seats being open…I probably yelled that loud at home. He made some comment about a wife. I jokingly said, “You married her, be happy about it.”

He did a rant on the fact that he wasn’t married and if he was, she probably wouldn’t let him play poker, he wouldn’t be there, that’s why he wasn’t married. Yikes! Everything was a disaster. The piranha started to jump above the land mines.

Complaints ran around the table about the empty seats, change the deck, get a set up, and then Dahlia lost a hand. She snapped at me, “That’s why I didn’t answer you when you said hello to me. I knew you would make me lose.”

I replied, “Really? I don’t believe any of that.”

She barked, “I do.”

I ignored her after that. Hell, you don’t have to shove me off a landmine.

Then I got two players, asked them if they wanted to post, ‘yes’, the Chip Runner went for their chips, I dealt them in and told them they owed $8 to the pot…woops…they wanted $4-$8 and got sent to the wrong table.

I took their cards, apologized to them, and sent them back to Kim so they could get a seat in the game they wanted to play in. One new player arrived and still – an open seat.

Dahlia moved to the 2s. I finally got a player in the 1s and the Kim came running up and told him that she had called him for $4-$8 and not $8-$16 and he couldn’t have the seat.

Big argument here, he said he hadn’t even signed up for $4-$8 and she had called him for $8-$16…even though he wanted the blind, I now had to deal him out until it was straightened out. Kim returned with the list and found out she had called him, she apologized and he posted between the Button and the Small Blind.

The 1s flopped a Set, Dahlia flopped a Flush draw. The 1s checked, Dahlia bet, the 1s check raised. She called.

The Turn brought Dahlia a Flush. The 1s checked, she bet.

The River paired the board. The 1s checked, Dahlia bet, the 1s check raised again. She called.

She was ready to eat the Piranha and the land mines. She made a cutting comment about him being cut throat and check raising her. The 5s jumped right on her and said Dahlia did exactly the same thing because she bet when she knew she had the best of it so why shouldn’t the 1s check raise. True, how true.

Then the 3s flopped a Set of 10’s and built a huge pot with multi-way action. Dahlia managed to make a Flush on the River and claim that pot…she let the Piranha live for a while.

I got pushed, right into a $1-$5 7 card stud game on table 13, nothing happening there, and then to $4-$8 Holdem on Table 15. This game was right by the game Dahlia was in.

Before I dealt the first hand, the 5s returned with a bowl that looked like it held pie and ice cream and he sat down to inhale it while I put out the cards. One of the players asked him where he got the food. He said from the buffet and he’d get plenty more before the night was over, followed by the statement that he liked to eat. He was thin, gray hair, day old beard, casually dressed.

A few minutes later, one of our players left and I asked the 5s to move over a few inches so we could square up the table. It wasn’t until then that I realized that one of the piranhas from table 11 had escaped and landed in seat 5. He was horribly rude and obnoxious.

We were getting a new player in the game, I was calling for chips, asking the new player if he wanted to post and the 5s was making idiot comments to the 4s about how ridiculous it was that he should have to move over a few inches.

The action was to the 5s and he kept talking, I asked him if he wanted to call. He ignored me. I tried again. He ignored me. There was a lot of noise in the room but not that much noise.

I tried a little louder, “Do you know the action is to you?”

He replied that he did.

I said, “Please let us know what you’d like to do.”

He said he was going to take his time, on every hand…turned to the 4s and said, “I’ll take five minutes for each hand and that’ll steam her.”

I replied, “I’ll be here another seven minutes, do whatever you think is best.”

He said he would.

I replied, “You’re rude.”

He said I was rude but he finally threw his hand away. He jumped up and left the table. The 4s made some comment and I asked, “Really, moving a few inches has to be that big a deal?”

The 4s replied with a fence straddling statement that implied he didn’t agree with me ‘but rules are rules…and you’ll only be here another four minutes.”

By the time I dealt the next hand, the 5s returned with a plate of chocolate dipped strawberries that he filched from the buffet and he sat it down in front of the 3 and 4s. I dealt a few more hands and got pushed.

I went straight to Suzie and ratted the guy out. Oh…maybe you think this is cool or smart. It’s really smart when you have to pay more for products and service because someone else steals it. Who do you think pays for thievery? The honest, hard working bum, you and me baby.

The best part of my night came when I met Mark Hope. I was on a break and we got to visit away from the noise of the card room for a few minutes. He handed me a monetary tip for writing here, told me it was for all the pencils and paper I use…and that he couldn’t let Jason get one up on him. I got a little insight into his life and the home poker game they have.

Lots of good things come from poker…just don’t lose sight of what’s important while your butt’s glued to a seat and your hands are trying to choke the life out of your chips.