The insanity of poker – a diseased and irrational mind is one that believes they can throw cards at the dealer and the dealer is supposed to accept it. One of my games was $30-$60 Holdem and there were three card zinging lunatics in the game. It started out like this:

Ching, she used to deal at the Mirage with me, sat down in the 5s, paid time, and then had a fit when a seat opened because there was no list.

The 2s is named Mike, he’s Middle Eastern, always a growling and snarling, card hurling monster unless he’s dragging all the chips.

The 3s is an Asian beauty named Jenny that likes to talk it up, act like she’s the only game in town (that doesn’t mean poker only) and zing her cards at the dealer’s hand when she loses a hand…after all, she’s the only one entitled to win a pot.

The 7s is a youngster with great brown eyes, has a hot temper, and likes to zing his cards at the rack whether he wins or loses.

The 8s was in total ‘go-off’ mode and having a hard time controlling his temper…he’s a regular and really struggles with a Bad Beat kind of day.

Hey…this leaves me with almost no win. Who’s left that has a brain and can reason?

The 10s opened up, Ching moved into it and was pitching a little whiney bitch, “Scramble the cards!”

A player named Joe took the 4s. By this time, the 3s had snipped the cards at my fingers on three separate occasions, the 7s had snipped his cards at my fingers each time and managed to hit me with them twice. (I tried to laugh it off and said, “Stop it!” He did a, “I’m sorry,” but it didn’t slow him down).

Mike in the 2s threw his cards, they landed face up to my right, in front of the 6s, and I demanded, “Stop it! Everyone! Slow your cards down.”

Mike jumped up, swearing and grumbling and left to smoke. The 3s did a poutey whiney thing, she hadn’t done anything wrong. I said, “You snip your cards at my fingers every time.”

She said, “I’m putting them in the muck.”

I said, “No you aren’t. The muck is out here,” as I motioned to the table and followed with, “you’re sending them into the rack each time.”

I continued, “And he’s snipping his cards at my fingers every time, ” as I motioned to the 7s.

The 7s asked, “What do you want me to do, hand them to you?”

I said, “Slow them down. You’ve hit my fingers twice already.”

Ching said, “It doesn’t affect the players, it doesn’t matter.”

I went totally indignant, super bitch, want to kill your ass. “It does matter! And I’m not a backboard.”

The 3s stated she would set her hand down a few inches from her hands and make me reach for them.

I retorted, “Fine. Set them where ever you want.”

Joe, the 4s, “The dealer’s right, all she’s asking you to do is set them down.”

The 3s made another comment and I said, “Your manners are showing.”

Joe got up and left the game. All of this attitude and heat was going on in all directions around me.

The 8s was in the process of getting A-A beat and he said he’d throw the cards at me if he lost the hand.

I looked right at him and said, “Throw them on the floor, don’t throw them at me.”

A couple of players thought that was pretty funny but I was dead serious.

As soon as the 8s lost that hand, he picked up Q-Q, made another comment that went like this, “Let’s see how she can mess up this hand,” and raised.

Yes, he was talking about me.

Ching beat him with a piece of crap. His eyes were ready to blow out of his head.

Ching raised on the Button with 5-3 Suited and got called. She bet all the way and lost the hand and then was mad at me. She raised the next hand and got called by three players. She lost that hand too…steam was rolling, she was gutter grumbling about me and demanding that I “Scramble the deck!”

I said, “Ok.”

Romeo tapped me out. The 8s informed me, “Your replacement is here.”

Ching looked at Romeo and said that she would leave before she got irritated. As I pushed back my chair, I started laughing. No…not just a quiet chuckle, an all out belly laugh. I walked to the next table still laughing. I could hear Ching behind me, “She’s laughing…”

No shit, Harry! Hope I meet her little ex-dealer ass somewhere out on the street someday. Love these little tin gods that hide behind the player’s mask while you’re in the box. They’re gutless when you meet them in the real world.

*****

My friend Jim, from CO, was still in town when I went in to work on Monday night. He’s cute! That’s why we’re friends. He’s a hard person not to like, even when he’s stuck in an alcohol quagmire and sinking. I dealt to him in a $30-$60 game. Check out this action.

Jim raised with A-A. He got called by three players, the 2s – the one in particular that needs a lot of counseling or has more money than God, called.

The Flop was 8-7-5.

Jim bet and raised this hand on every street.

The Turn was a 7, the River an 8.

Don’t worry, the 2s called down with a K-5 off suit. He was playing two pair with a King kicker on the River. Either Jim’s reputation as a gambling drunk has preceded him or the 2s is on something that should be shared with all of us.

Oh…the 2s proudly turned it over, even after he’d seen A-A…like he got a bad beat.

Rock on Jim.