When I’m extremely tired or am fading a lot of stress due to family illness/circumstances beyond human control, small things irritate me more than the giant things in life when I’m dealing a game. A Linda whine, in order of priority:

1. Number one is someone fidgeting with the Button while I’m dealing the cards. First and foremost, I believe the Button should be in plain view, not capping someone’s cards, hidden under their hand or elbow, or shoved back against the rail showing ‘possession’. When a player is slamming it onto the table, trying to put a reverse spin on it, so it rolls out like a yoyo and then returns to them, I find it to be extremely obnoxious. Sometimes they lose control of it and it veers off in a helter skelter pattern, running across the table and can cause pain if it hits someone because it’s released with a lot of force. Not only can it cause pain or a problem, it’s also irritating in the sense that it’s like someone bouncing a ball off the wall of your bedroom wall when you’re trying to sleep.

Moving the Button for me!!!! Please don’t. I have a pattern; I push the pot, move the Button, shuffle up and deal. Stop messing with my programming.

When I place the Button in front of the player, I have my ‘deal zone’ all figured out. I can deal right over the top of the Button without ever exposing a card, if the player just keeps there hands down and leaves the Button alone. Especially irritating to me is the fact that I deal the first card, it glides over the Button, deserving a ’10’ on any Olympic grading scale for precision, true flight, correct speed, and angle, and then when the 2nd card is being delivered, the player grabs the Button and holds it up, as if I almost exposed the first card and they need to make sure I have a ‘clean’ delivery on this one. Get the hell out of here with that!!! Why the 2nd card and not the first? Now they finally figured out the cards are being dealt? After everyone else has two and they already have one….

2. Making Ante change from other Antes in Stud games…they believe they are speeding up the game and in the long run, they cause more confusion. If it’s a $4-$8 or $40-$80 or $30-$60, when they make change, they are leaving one chip in front of them and taking their change from the other player, $4-$8 is $.50, hence $1 is left on the table…$40-$80 or $30-$60 is $5 leaving a $10 chip on the table. If any dealer isn’t paying close attention, it appears that one player anteed and the other player didn’t so now the confusion and slowing down the game begins.

3. Time collections…the self proclaimed Table Captain should make sure everyone’s time is out for the dealer, by changing up some of their chips ahead of time and having the correct change there instead of reaching across everyone and leaving the Time Collection laying in front of some of the players, instead of grouped so it’s obvious it’s for everyone.

In $30-$60 Holdem, the time is $6 for each player. The 2s may have a $1 chip and a $5 chip and the 4s may have a $1 chip and a $10 chip…the 4s reaches over and takes the $5 chip for change. YOO HOO! This really simplifies matters. Sorry, just a little sarcasm here…common sense should work for people but it just doesn’t, some of them were born with a full bank account that accumulates interest each day and others never managed to find/accumulate/save any of it. More confusion.

It would actually be easier if the players set out their own time and did not worry about making change for anyone but that does not appear to be a possibility in the real world.

4. Asking for a Set Up and/or nagging to let the Floor know a seat is open. When I’ve yelled at the top of my lungs, “Seat Open!” or “Set Up!” five times and am watching for the Floor Person or Chip Runner as I shuffle each hand and deal, the player that asks the idiot question, “Do they know we have a seat open?” or “Did you get a Set Up?”

My question here is, “Are your ears painted on?” Of course I can’t ask it…

And even better yet is when I have just spread the new deck, checked it face up, scrambled it, turned it face down, scrambled it, shuffled and dealt, and the player looks up and asks, “Did we get a setup yet?” or when the Floor notifies you that a player is coming and the player looks up and asks, “Do they know we have a seat open?”

I reply, “A player’s on their way,” and to add more irritation to the endless drivel, they ask, “Who is it?”
Now how in the hell would I know? Does it look like I have the list strapped to my chest.

5. When the action’s gone crazy, bets are capped, and as I reach for the player’s chips, they reach out and interrupt my reach to stack their bets up, or push them in to me…delay of game here, my motion has to stop while I wait for them to dick around with a bet that’s already been placed.

6. When a new player sits down and doesn’t know poop about the game or the play of it, and believe me I know immediately just by the way they look, their actions, etc., probably long before the rest of the table has figured it out, everyone wants to chime in and tell them what/how/when.

All the noise and confusion just makes it worse for the new player. How can they listen to seven people at the same time? Just sit back, be quiet, and let me run the show, that’s my job. I can bring a new player into the ‘play’ of the game and make them feel comfortable at the same time, touched with a little humor and a smile.

I’m the tour guide for the lights and excitement, sizzle, and pop at Bellagio’s poker table. So shut up! You’re there to play…just do it!