I’m too tired to be alive so I’d better get right into a ‘green felt tale’ lest it never gets told.
Sam G., Archie, O’Neil, Tommy (not a regular), and Lee. Six handed game with one walker. $200-$400 A-5 Triple Draw and Deuce to 7 Triple Draw. Tommy is prowling the game, he’s got a missed blind button. Sam, Archie, Lee, and O’Neil are playing.

I announce, “Time Pot!” Spread the new deck, scramble, shuffle up, take a $100 chip from the small blind, break it down and have the change on the table and the chip in the rack when Sam yells, “Deal the damn cards!”

Ha! I glanced over at him like he was a nuisance fly on a cow pie and finished putting the time drop in the drop slot, moved a button over in the rack, (this is how we know how many hands we’ve dealt of each game), cut the deck, and dealt.

My job is to take time before I deal the first hand in $100-$200 and higher, and I never vary from it, especially for Sam and any others that object, except in the $2,000-$4,000 game where the chips are so big you almost need a ‘color change’ to break one down. In those games, the player that wins the pot normally pays the table time for everyone playing unless a player has missed their blind, then time is taken from the ‘missing player’s’ stack…one more “unless” here, if you’re the live one and missed your blind, they will pay it for you.

Archie wins the first few hands and is sane…hey, it’s only momentary. He loses the next few and he’s steaming. Slaps his chips, some of them shoot forward like a bet, then he reaches out and slaps them back to his stack. Like, BAD DOG, get on the paper! Another player asks if that’s a bet. Archie gives him a look that would send Godzilla quivering to his Mommy for protection.

He glares at me, “Scramble the cards.”

“Ok!” I spread the deck out in a small circle and scramble.

Now he barks, “Scramble all of them, honey, not just a few!”

Ridiculous. How in God’s name do you scramble them all at once? Maybe I should ask for a basket so I can throw them in, shake them up, and then dump them out on the table…or better yet a blender!

I gave him direct eye contact, as I continued to scramble, and said, “I will.”

It’s hysterical when, not only do they want you to scramble, they want to edit your scramble.
It’s like dealing with a 5 year old that’s always been allowed to have a temper tantrum when things don’t go their way.

Well Sam was obviously playing someone else’s money and losing. He got down to his last $400 and Hershel came over and said, “Let me play for you.”

Sam got right up. Hershel was playing in a $25-$50 blind, Pot Limit Omaha Game right by us. Hershel looked at a few hands and then raised it to $400, going all-in. He lost the hand and went back to his game. Sam sat down grumbling but then Hershel sent over a stack of Blacks for him so…

Blacks? They’re $100 each.

Then Tommy was having a cow and a calf and it must’ve been a breach delivery. He whinged his cards down the table as he motioned and pointed at me. Yup, I’m the bitch with the eye in the middle of my forehead that always knows how to make a person lose. Usually I stay awake at night planning it all out… But he just kept rammin’ and jammin’.

The game changed to Deuce to 7. O’Neil was watching TV when I changed the game plaques and announced it…he’s also very hard of hearing so I reached over, touched his hand, and when he looked up, I pointed at the game plaque so he would know what we were playing.

Tommy’s turn to go nut-z-z-z-! “Just deal the cards!”

“He doesn’t always hear the game change.”

“Doesn’t matter!” he barked. “Don’t say anything. Just deal the cards.”

“I’d do the same for you sir.”

After losing three or four more hands to Lee, Tommy threw the last hand, face up, into the rack as he jumped up to walk. Before he got his butt out of the chair though, I looked at him and said, “Thank you. Thanks a lot.”

He almost ran to get away. It’s that bitch thing again…he probably thought I’d put a hex on him for good. Umhhhh! Not a bad idea.