I should’ve known when you couldn’t figure out how to take time out of the pot that I couldn’t win. They should’ve blown up all of the Dunes’ dealers with the place. Instead they dusted them off and sent them over here.

What did you have? I only called because you checked on the turn. I was pretty sure that you didn’t have aces because you didn’t raise before the flop and you checked the turn.

I had to raise it. I flopped top pair and a flush draw and turned an open ended straight draw. Besides you’ve been running bad and I know I can beat you.

Ever pay attention to all that noise that some players make while they are sitting at the table? Of course you have, how the hell could you escape it? Why they played a hand, why they couldn’t win, why they were born, why they still have chips . . . why, why, why!

Everyone is trying to win (great title for another article). There’s a rumor going around that there’s a poker game in Montana where the game is so rough that before you enter the room a security guard checks to see if you have a gun. If you don’t, they issue you one.

Bottom line . . . go armed. No, dummy, not with heavy metal.

Poker is one of the toughest mental beatings you’ll ever undergo – not when the deck is running over your face of course. Water Torture can’t even begin to compare with looking at unplayable hands for hours and then picking up a pair of Aces or Kings and having them popped off by one caller who needed two perfect, running cards to beat you. Then you’re back into the unplayable hands for another quadzillion hours while the game rocks and rolls around you. It’s raining money and you have a pitchfork. Plus – the rent is due, your mate expected you home an hour ago, (with money in your pocket), and you have to work in the morning and have paper work to do before you go.

Hell, life is tough! But doesn’t it just get a little bit tougher when you have to listen to why they called you and why they thought they were beat but called anyway? Then you have to listen to a local explain to a tourist that the dealer plays a very important part in each hand because of the way they shuffle and cut. Then you listen to another local explain to a tourist that the house is getting too much money out of each pot and maybe even the dealer gets involved in the story. You’re listening to everyone explain something and all you wanted to do was play poker.

What if you could explain a little on your own . . .

Honey, if you think the dealer actually has something to do with it, then shouldn’t you be throwing money in their pocket and smiling at them instead of giving them “the look” and aiming your cards at their pocket?

If you think the house is getting too much money, then why don’t you have a game in your basement and fade the cocktails and food service, and card and chip expense yourself. Then YOU can clean-up after them, deal and hopefully have built in players that magically appear whenever you want them there. Along with that make sure you have advertising so players know you’re there and security so they don’t get beaten up or robbed when they leave your place. Face it, sunshine, you pay a rake on everything you do in life. If you buy a toaster from JC Penney, you are paying a rake on packaging, shipping, etc. Nothing is the only thing that’s free in life, everything else has a price.

When you lose the first hand you play and start whining, there’s no need to explain that you are an only child. Everyone at the table knows that if you had brothers or sisters, they would have drowned you when your mom turned her back.

If you could figure out that a draw doesn’t beat a made hand, you wouldn’t look like you need a medic.

If you sucked out on a pair of aces and they re-sucked out on you . . . you were gambling. Wipe that foam out of the corner of your mouth and take a deep breath.

If you stayed home today, the rest of us wouldn’t have a chance to make any money. Thanks for joining us.

Poker! An endless cycling of cards, beats, wins, personalities and stories. Only the strong survive – or those that are horrendously wealthy. See you there.