Ever hear this one? “Hey buddy, that gorgeous girl on the rail is watching you play poker and has been for the last 15 minutes!” The guy barely gives her a glance and goes back to his game. The bottom line is you can always find a pretty girl but you can’t always find a good poker game.

What do people do that don’t play poker? Do they have meals with their families, go to movies and football games, take their kid out to the park to play Frisbee Golf and all those normal, real life events or do those things only happen in the movies?

Some years ago, this writer managed a small poker room in Montana. My duties included scheduling dealers, training, tournaments, specials to draw players to our room, dealing a break, playing in a game to start it (shill), making sure the players received drinks and food and a variety of other academy award winning acts. You know . . . smiling and cheerfully inviting people into the game when you wished they would disappear somewhere into the Bermuda Triangle instead.

Small town poker is sometimes the hardest of all poker to contend with mentally, because your playing field is so limited. You see the same faces and listen to the same stories day after day. The money flow into the game is limited also and there is added stress (both to player and management) that the game may break. If you lose the first few hands, the winner may walk with your buy in and there’s no one to replace them or the chips. How do you get even or win and keep the game going?

A friendly, attractive gent named Joe (name change to protect the innocent) used to frequent the establishment that I worked in and he was truly a godsend to all poker players. He owned his own business, drank a lot when he played and was guaranteed to give away around $1,200 or more in a 3-6 limit holdem game and stay until the sun came up. There were other places that spread poker in the area and he was considered the local wildcard that would make sure the game ran all night.

Joe always flirted with me and I with him. We never met each other out of that establishment or made lewd or leading comments to each other but I’m sure one of the reasons that he came in was to see me . . . and of course . . . POKER, POKER, POKER! I once made the statement that I spent more nights with a lot of men then their wives ever did. That’s the nature of poker.

One night in the middle of the week when our game was in dire need of a transfusion, Joe walked in. I could almost hear the angels singing “HALLELUJAH!” in the background. Our game would definitely run all night with a waiting list and it took a lot of pressure off of me.

While I was in the process of removing a shill from the game and getting Joe’s check cashed, I offered him a drink. He said if I would have one with him that would be great. We sat at an open bar right by the poker tables and barely got out the “How was work today – How have you been?” statements – when I felt the presence of a woman over my shoulder. I had never met his wife but I knew she was his. I jumped up and introduced myself while offering her my seat and a drink. She accepted and I immediately got her drink service and went off to speed Joe’s seating and have his chips put on the table.

Although every exchange between Joe and myself was innocent, I knew that even if I could ‘leap tall buildings in a single bound and out run a speeding bullet’, there was no escape from this one. Someone was going to pay the piper. I expected both of them to leave after finishing their drink.

I went back to Joe to tell him his seat was open and planned on leaving the hazard zone ASAP. Before I could escape, his wife looked directly at me and said, “Can I talk to you?”

Joe scurried off to his seat. At that moment I lost any respect for him that I might have had. She’s the mate he’d chosen to spend his life with and he didn’t want to face her – AGHHHH!!! Me neither, after all, I wasn’t married to her but what can you do?

I sat down right next to her. She placed her hand on my arm and asked, “Are you having an affair with my husband?”

How do you like this scene, Joe is now jamming it up in the poker game with a drink in his hand and a few feet away, his wife is asking me if I’m involved with him. She was dead serious. Of course I told her, “NO!”

Her next question was why on nights that he stayed home, he fell asleep in front of the TV before the evening news was over and on nights that he played poker, he came home with the sun rise and then went on to work.

I knew the answer but try explaining it to someone that has never played. I gave it my best shot. She even asked me if I thought he was seeing anyone else. I explained to her that when he came in to play that is exactly what he did. He never left the table other than a bathroom break. I think she left satisfied with my answers, anyway she didn’t take a swing at me and Joe continued to come in from time to time and play all night. She was an extremely attractive woman and most men (that don’t play poker) would find it hard to believe that she was left alone at night for a poker game.

Is it true that poker players have no home? And we hate the holidays because we have to visit our families and leave the ones we love? What do we sacrifice in our quest for finishing with the most chips and patting ourselves on the back when we don’t because we lost as little as possible considering the way we’re running (no – not the 100 yard dash) and the beats we took?

Is there enough time in the day to work a job, raise a family, hold up your end of a relationship and still have time to play poker on a steady basis? And keep your sanity when you’re getting the worst of it each time you play? What about your spouse’s attitude on your losses at the table – they never have an attitude when you win? You could always have a shirt made that reads, “I’m playing with my mate’s retirement. Please don’t check raise me.”

What do people do that don’t play poker? Who knows?

My answer, who cares! There’s a stack of chips somewhere calling my name. See you there.